Cool new thang: when I got my bloodwork done, the lady filling up those tubes said that I could read my results online in less than 2 days. Brand new service offered by the lab.
And as I logged in and refreshed obsessively half a day later, I found zero satisfaction in what I saw when the results finally popped up.
My A1C was the same as before. And yet, I felt so blah about the whole thing. I was tired. I am tired. And is this my first diabetes burnout? I don’t even know what qualifies anymore. My mind is foggy.
Lately everything has been exhausting. I write in my journal with no filter, then read a few days later in horror at what I have put down on paper. I am so incredibly mean to myself. It’s abuse really. I am so highly critical I don’t even want to share with you one sentence. It’s disgusting really.
I am anxious and heartbroken and exhausted and just feel done. This is supposed to be my rest time. There’s no races, no scheduled training. Work is ramping up but not too much. And yet, I am covered in sadness and find it hard to drag myself out of bed or even make breakfast.
I’ve forgotten to have fun, to laugh and as each day passes, that little bit of hopelessness and uncertainty in myself creeps into my brain. Throughout my life I have dealt with anxiety and depression-but this time it seems like it’s wave after wave. The water seems too high and I don’t have the energy to fight.
When I get a low I just stare at it. When it’s time to treat I become extremely irritable (I wasn’t like this before). When my seizures come on I weep so badly my eyes are swollen the next day.
I’ve been wearing my CGM on and off. I know the information is valuable, but I also look down at the screen and can feel defeated. There’s tiny scars on my belly from the instances where I’ve scratched so hard and ripped it off. Two seconds later I regret the move.
Keeping up this blog as well as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram is just weighing me down. I don’t want to talk about diabetes right now. Can I have a break!?
Is anyone else out there feeling like this? HAVE you felt like this?
This isn’t meant to be a poor me entry. It’s real purpose is to show that despite the overall tone of my site (you can do it! let’s exercise and be happy), I do feel this way sometimes too. Right now, I feel pretty bad.